Embracing the Thorns: A Journey of Trust and Healing

There is an ancient belief that peacocks eat thorns, and instead of being harmed by them, their bodies transform those hardships into the radiant beauty of their feathers. I have often thought of this myth as I reflect on my own journey through difficulty. Lately, it feels as though I am crunching on thorns. But instead of emerging with something beautiful, those hardships have transformed into a sense of distrust in God. The potential for developing beautiful feathers is certainly there, but right now, it is hidden beneath a simmering layer of doubt. As a Christ-follower, this is a hard admission. Yet, I truly believe that acknowledging this is an important place to start. And I know that God is not surprised by my struggle to trust Him.

Live long enough and you will know the taste of thorns.  For me, one of the most painful and heart-wrenching moments came in 2009. In the span of just 24 hours, our five-year-old daughter, Grace, passed away from bacterial meningitis. The grief that followed was indescribable. My family was shattered, and I was left devastated. It felt like my entire world crumbled in a matter of hours. The pain was beyond words, and, even more challenging, my trust in God was shaken to its core.

In those early days, trusting in the God I thought I knew became elusive. I couldn’t understand why He allowed something so horrific to happen. The years that followed brought a steady process of breaking down and rebuilding my faith. But that also came with questions: Can I trust a God who allowed such a tragedy? How do I move forward knowing that something like this could happen again? Could I survive another tragedy?

The Struggle with Trust

When life is painful and I cannot understand what God is allowing, my doubts often turn to distrust. I am guilty of attaching a lot of my trust in God to my desire for things to unfold the way I think they should. I want His goodness to fit within my definition of what is right and good. When pain and suffering intensify, it is hard to believe that God will come through for me. The current ache feels so overwhelming, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it will always be this way—that the pain will never end. It is scary to think that what I’m enduring today may become my future. And at the same time, deep in my heart, I know that God is good—even when my world falls apart. This is a hard thing to reconcile.

In the midst of all my doubt, I know that I want to trust Him. I can either allow my lack of trust to drive me away from Jesus, or I can choose to let it pull me closer, allowing the thorns to transform me into something more beautiful than before. And so, I turn to the basics: reading His Word, praying, listening to His voice, and reminding myself to look for evidence of His goodness and faithfulness. I accept the reality that no life is safe from suffering, and I adjust my perspective to see obstacles as opportunities that may open new doors and lead to a new direction in my life. Father Richard Rohr said, “There are no dead ends in this spiritual life. Nothing is above or beyond redemption. Everything can be used for transformation.”

I do not think God is surprised by my lack of trust. The simple act of admitting my doubts to Him brings a sense of freedom—a chance for healing. It opens me up to receive His love and grace, and to walk alongside Him in this struggle. And that, in itself, feels like a step forward.

There are days I am still scared to fully trust God. I am afraid of what might come next. I do not know what the future holds, and a part of me is tired, worn from the constant uncertainty. But despite the fear, I trust that my God is with me. He sees what I cannot see, and He goes before me, preparing a way I cannot yet comprehend. Faith is not about having all the answers or understanding the pain we face. Faith is about being assured of God’s goodness, even when it does not feel good or look good right now. Faith is trusting in what we hope for, even when we cannot see it yet.

I may not know what the future holds, but I trust that He does. I trust that He knows what is best, even when it feels hard. In the end, the journey of trust is not about perfection; it is about continually choosing to move forward with Him, one step at a time.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."